Sunday, October 29, 2017

Fall over the cliff

Warning, this is going to be a sad blog.  I like to try to keep things happy in my life but sometimes it is just not possible.  This is one of those times.

My husband of 46 years, Jack E. Balonis, passed on October 10, 2017.  It was quite sudden and a total shock.  He was all set to come to Florida in just a few more days.  A close friend found him in our driveway in Massachusetts.  I pray his passing was quick for him. 

We had a unique arrangement over our last years, which, for the most part, suited us.  We talked an average of 3 times a day, two of the calls at an appointed time of the day and the third rather random.  Sometimes we spoke many more times in the day, on rare occasions, not at all.  Sometimes we would talk a long time.  He had a way of making a short story into a long novel.  We visited back and forth between our two homes.  It wasn't perfect, but for a number of reasons, it worked for us.

The void in my heart and in each day is real.  I know it will get better.  Each milestone to be crossed will be a reminder of the change in my life without him.  Each day the phone calls are missed.  We talked about all kinds of things every day, some rather silly, but I miss the constant connection we shared.  I've always had my good morning and good night calls and the other random chats with Jack making me whole.    We had our many visits where each of us did some chore to help with maintaining two houses.

The house we built together will be gone before I know it.  He cleared the trees off of lots for other people by dropping the pine trees to build the house.  He worked the lumber yard for years to cut the trees into boards of all the different kinds needed for the design.  We were there for construction every day as we walked up to see what was done from our apartment just down the hill.  It was our shared dream home.  It is quite spectacular.  Environmentally sound, engineered for efficiency, passive solar, and unique.  I will miss it.  Part of me would love to wrap myself back into that house and a cocoon of love and memories but it is quite impossible.  I could not cope with the long steep hill in winter, the New England cold, the dreary days of winter so common up there and finally, most of my family and friends are not there....only memories.  I will miss the spectacular sunrises from our hill and well, the house that Jack built.

So now I am starting to carry on alone without him.  I am a solitary person, content to do many things alone.  I go for my walks alone, I ride my bicycle alone, I bead alone, usually shop alone and eat alone.  I'm used to that, it is normal for me.  This, however, is not a normal time in my life.  I am quite sad and feel quite empty.  My family and friends are supportive and it does help.  As in most life changing events we cope differently.  I will find my way as I strive to go forward without the man who has been with me for over 46 years.  It will not be easy.  I will be different, but I will go on.

To all who have been there to support me and continue to support me, thank you.